Comforting and
Reassuring Your Children in the Wake of the Tragic Events at Sandy Hook
Elementary School in Newtown, CT
The
heart wrenching news from Newtown, Connecticut of violence that took the lives of so many
innocents will continue to dominate the news in the
forthcoming days. The NCBLA has been receiving inquiries from parents and
concerned adults across the country seeking suggestions as to how they can
comfort their children, help their children understand what has happened,
and move forward with hope.
Children
of all ages will be hearing about this week’s tragic event not only because of
saturated media coverage, but because kids and adults will be talking about it
everywhere, in their classrooms and schools, at the supermarket, at after
school activities.
In
the wake of September 11th, the Association of Library Services for Children, a
division of the American Library Association, compiled a list of websites that
contained very helpful information for adults to help children cope in the
aftermath of that great national tragedy, much of which, in general terms, is
pertinent to this current situation. To read the list, click here.
The
ALSC list includes, for example, from James Garbarino, professor of human
development and co-director of the Family Life Development Center at Cornell
University, advice to parents on how they can help their children cope with the
news of tragic attacks. He is a nationally recognized expert on child
development and youth violence.
- Children in general will need reassurance
that they and their loved ones are safe. Young children particularly will
need words and actions to communicate calm and safety rather than anxiety
and fear. The evidence is clear that children cope best when adults avoid
being incapacitated by fear and anxiety. Trying to restore regular
routines is important to reassure children that normal life will resume.
- Children already coping with loss and fear
will need special reassurance. Who are these children? They are
children who have parents away from home, who are involved in a divorce,
who are hospitalized, who have lost a loved one recently, or who in some
other way are specially worried about issues of safety, stability and
security. Everyone connected with these "at risk" children must
make special efforts to offer physical, emotional and intellectual
nurturing and support.
- Children will need a chance to ask their
questions and get factual information to dispel misperceptions and rumors
that will arise due to their immature reasoning and knowledge. Adults should
make themselves available to children to listen and then respond rather
than just lecturing them on what adults think is important. Hear and see
the world through the ears and eyes of children to know what to do to help
them.
- Parents and other adults will naturally
tend to become preoccupied, anxious, and sad by the disaster, but they must guard against this where
children are concerned. If adults are "psychologically
unavailable," children will suffer. This is a major issue. The
message to parents is clear: Don't become glued to the television and
unavailable to your children when they need you most.
HELPFUL HINTS from the late Fred
Rogers of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood:
- Do your best to
keep the television off, or at least limit how much your child sees of any
news event.
- Try to keep
yourself calm. Your presence can help your child feel more secure.
- Give your child
extra comfort and physical affection, like hugs or snuggling up together
with a favorite book. Physical comfort goes a long way towards providing
security. That closeness can nourish you, too.
- Try to keep regular
routines as normal as possible. Children and adults count on familiar
patterns of everyday life.
- Plan something that
you and your child can enjoy together, like taking a walk or going on a
picnic, having some quiet time together or doing something silly. It can
help to know there are simple things in life that can help us feel better,
both in good times and in bad.
- Even if children don't mention what they've
seen or heard in the news, it can help to ask what they think has
happened. If parents don't bring up the subject, children can be left with
their misinterpretations. You may be surprised at how much your child has
heard from others.
- Focus attention on
the helpers, like the police, firemen, doctors, nurses, paramedics and
volunteers. It's reassuring to know there are many caring people who are
doing all they can to help in this world.
- Let your child know
if you're making a donation or going to a meeting, writing a letter or
e-mail of support, or taking some other action. It can help children know
that adults take many different active roles...and that we don't give in
to helplessness in time of crisis.
Sometimes,
in the midst of coping with tragic news themselves, adults cannot find the
words they need to reassure and comfort their children and teens. Taking
a moment to read a book together and discussing that book can often help both
children and caring adults find the words they need to talk about difficult
things. Those books may deal specifically with tragedy and grief; but they may
not. Often times, a story that appears to be totally unrelated to events at
hand is the one that provides sustenance and comfort to a child. For
example, the classic story Charlotte's
Web, is a book that can provide a grieving grade school age child with a
cathartic experience, allowing that child to express his or her own feelings
and emotions about death and dying.
In
addition to the website previously suggested, we offer additional websites
below where adults will find lists of books and information that will provide
help in initiating loving and caring conversations with your children related
to dealing with tragic events.
We express our most heartfelt sympathies to the
families, friends, and colleagues of all the victims of this act of violence in
Connecticut, and will keep them, and all those injured, in our hearts and
prayers.
Mary Brigid Barrett
President of The National Children's Book and Literacy Alliance
Websites that may provide further help for parents,
guardians, educators, and professionals are listed below. Although dealing with previous
national tragedies, much of this information is pertinent to this past
weekend's event. When possible we have provided direct links. If they do
not link directly, please copy and paste:
